An interesting article in the Times this morning about money and marriage – should people share the pot of gold or keep separate stashes?
A while back, I asked a man at a party what he thought the secret of a happy marriage was. “One bank account,” he said without hesitation. “Keep it simple — what is yours is mine — that way there’s never any cause for guilt or resentment.” At the time I didn’t think much of it. Now, post-credit crunch, I find myself thinking about it all the time — that and the reaction of the woman who overheard his answer, rolled her eyes and said: “Keep your money private. You have to have some leverage.”
When Mrs L and I set up home, we had three accounts, one each and a joint one for household expenses. This has worked well enough over the past two decades and we’ve had no complaints. We’ve had difficulties – usually through me not having enough work, but we have at times both been made redundant, both had to accept pay cuts and both had some good times. Sometimes she has been the higher earner and sometimes it has been me, but (so far as I am aware) we’ve not resorted to secret hoarding:
The trouble is that this “what’s yours is mine, so long as my life isn’t compromised” philosophy only works when there is plenty to go around. If one of you gets into financial difficulties, that urge to retain a degree of financial independence turns into something potentially sinister.
That says something rather deeper about them, I suggest. When my business ran into difficulties we were dependent on Mrs L’s income to keep me afloat – just as she is now dependent on mine. On neither occasion has it caused any difficulties between us. We just got on with it.
Maureen Rice, the editor of Psychologies magazine, believes that pooling your resources will always end in trouble because, she says, all couples require “financial space — ‘That is yours and this is mine.’ Having one joint account is crazy, because people naturally have different priorities. If he wants to spend a lot of money on football tickets and gadgets, it can drive you mad”.
We’ve never had that kind of problem. When times are lean, we both cut back; when things are going well, I don’t get a hissy fit because she buys a new pair of boots and she doesn’t worry if I buy a new gadget.
Since leaving the UK, I am now the sole earner, which makes the joint pool account that much more important. I transfer my income from my business account (when my clients decide to pay me) into the joint savings account and we draw down to the current account as and when it is needed. Mrs L uses either the joint account or her credit card for personal purchases and settles that with the joint account. I don’t check what she is spending, I merely make sure that there is a positive balance, topping it up from the savings if necessary. It works. It doesn’t have to be complicated, but a little trust is essential. I thought trust was one of those preconditions of marriage, but it seems I may be mistaken…
For nye on 30 years MrsBud and I have never had anything but joint accounts. When we first got married I was a student, including when our first son came along and we lived off my grant and tutoring. My first job paid just enough to keep the wolves from the door (barely). In more recent times we have been much better off. It has never caused any difficulties because we have always seen ourselves as a couple. We do things seperately, she sent me off to the 2003 RWC final, she goes away for girls’ weekends. I never question what she spends and vice versa, we both know our financial situation at any given time and spend/save accordingly.
Every couple must find out what works for them. For us the idea of separate money never occurred to us, maybe because both sets of parents had separate money which caused discord and deceit.
Sounds like you’ve got it worked out, Mr. (and Mrs.) L.
Surely the point is that you trust each other entirely? It doesn’t really matter how many accounts there are.
The lady who said “you’ve got to have some leverage” is planning at some point to indulge her selfishness. She doesn’t know quite when or how, but she feels it will become necessary. She is not heading for twenty or thirty years’ happy partnership, imho; those who are, have trust.
Perhaps for her trust is a problem, but selfishness is not.
She has my pity.
Like Mr Duffin says. It doesn’t matter how many accounts you have – the secret of a happy marriage has nothing to do with financial arrangement – it’s about trust. We don’t actually have a joint account – just individual ones, and it works fine for us, because I trust my wife completely and she trusts me, and we tell each other exactly what we do with the money.
[Except for the money I give to the LPUK, or course – ;-)]