Stupid Fashion Gurus

While getting my act together for my trip to the Isle of Man, I can’t resist commenting on this piece of utter tripe from Celia Walden who thinks she is best placed to decide what others should wear:

I cried when I read yesterday’s prediction that Brits are set to buy 86 million pairs of jeans by the end of this year, spending an estimated £1.5 billion.

Why? Because a large proportion of them will be sold to men, and they will get it wrong. I don’t mean wrong in a laughable, inoffensive way – I mean deeply, philosophically and ethically wrong.

The kind of wrong that makes you want to sink to your knees, hammer your fists on the floor and repeatedly sob: “Why?”

Well, firstly, it’s none of your damned business. If people want to wear what they like to wear, what you think about it is irrelevant. If they like it, then no matter how daft it looks to you, that’s your problem. Grow up and get over it.

I have frequently considered giving up my day job to become a jeans missionary, teaching men how to minimise the suffering of those they hold dear, eliminate derision in the workplace on ‘dress-down Fridays’ and gain self-esteem by picking out inoffensive leg wear more suited to their age and body type.

Stick to your day job. If you ever try to patronise me by telling me what clothes to wear, I’ll tell you to fuck right off. On the other hand, if appointing yourself to tell others what to do is your day job, then, yes, give it up… please.

Think I’m being too harsh? Ageist? Not a bit of it. No age group is immune to the jeans minefield (although the propensity for error increases considerably with age and wealth).

Yes, you are being ageist. You are doing what other self-righteous fashion “experts” like you try to do; you are attempting to decide that peoples’ dress should be dictated for them by society and convention as opposed to their own personal choice. Don’t like what others wear? don’t look, then.

Every day I am confronted with the same basic errors: jeans that are too light or too uniform in colour, jeans that are seemingly tailored to accentuate every flaw in a man’s body, jeans that are too short, too tight, too low-rise or too high-waisted.

And then there is the most terrifying phenomenon of all: men who attempt to be smart in jeans, wearing them with suit jackets and shiny shoes.

Oh, I see… So the colour of choice is an “error” is it? And who decided that, then? If men want to wear jeans with a blazer, then that’s their choice. I’ve seen it carried off very well. Not my choice, but it’s a free country – or it is as long as we ignore self appointed fashion gurus.

As everyone in their twenties (aside from Prince William and his Boujis Brigade) knows, Levis – once the hallmark of cool – should now only ever be seen poking out of the bag earmarked for Oxfam. By and large, 20-30-year-olds can pull off the denim look by sticking to Diesel, Gap, APC and the new Japanese brand Nudie.

What a pile of fucking sanctimonious, vacuous, air-headed crap! “Oh, dear! Levis are just sooo last year, darling. Not the latest label, donchaknow?” Have you any idea just how fucking pretentious that paragraph is? Or just how stupid and shallow it makes you appear? Although, the thought occurs to me that possibly Celia’s writing is merely the label on the tin and inside the tin is exactly what is written on that label; “pretentious airhead”.

I wear Levi 501s. I wear them because they fit well and are comfortable. That’s it. I don’t give a flying fuck for what labels are on them, I like them and they are comfortable. That is all that matters. Unlike this air-brained tit, I am not taken in by the latest fashion for designer labels. I fully intend to carry on wearing my 501s and when I need to replace them, I’ll buy some more and Celia can go boil her head.

White jeans never look better than when they are not worn at all. By anyone. And Kate Middleton’s brother, recently pictured in a pair, should take note. The same goes for ox-blood red jeans, which are like some terrible jean/chino hybrid and should be roundly shunned.

Actually, white jeans look fine for about five minutes. One spilled coffee – or one muddy feline paw print later and they are destined for the wash. I don’t wear them because they are just not practical. I wouldn’t wear ox-blood ones either – here I am inclined to agree, but that’s just personal taste kicking in. If you want to wear them, then feel free.

“For that generation it kicked off a trend for wearing 501s that a lot of them could never get out of. Plus I think men like the fact that they are just so practical.” Possibly they also think they make them look like a young Nick Kamen, which is tragically misguided.

No, I don’t even know who Nick Kamen is and care less. I don’t want to look like anyone – I’m not that vacuous, so don’t apply your facile celebrity driven mentality to me. I wear them because, as the quote from Bill Price points out, they are practical and comfortable. That I have them in single plain colours (black and dark blue) is my choice and it pleases me. So fuck off and stick your disapproval where it hurts the most.

At 45, however, it goes without saying that all jeans must be surrendered to a charity of your choice: nobody wants to look like Formula One playboy Flavio Briatore, not even Flavio Briatore.

At 49, it goes without saying that I’ll carry on wearing my 501s you sanctimonious arsehole.

Update: some of the comments in the Telegraph make interesting reading:

Dear Celia I am afraid you just dont get it. I wear jeans most of the time they are so comfortable. I travel the world 1st class in my job (accountant). And I dont give a monkey’s what anybody else thinks I look like. Please review this when you are 54 too!
Posted by Tony Keenan on June 1, 2007 6:59 AM

Quite.

There are loads of other clothes choices that are just as comfortable and practical. So don’t tell me that jeans are worn for a practical reason. On some level, they are a choice and a statement.
I for one get totally fed up with having to look at this depressing, crummy uniform in every public place I go in the Western world. People may think it is a harmless phenomenon, but I would disagree completely.

Posted by Margaret on June 1, 2007 4:51 PM

Margaret is making the same mistake as Celia; she is projecting her prejudices onto others. I wasn’t aware that I was “making a statement” when buying jeans. I am simply buying and wearing an item of clothing that looks good, wears well and is comfortable. These people really do need to get over themselves. I am now going to make a point of putting on a pair of jeans for the ride up to Heysham. Anyone who doesn’t like it will just have to put up with it. When it comes to clothes that I wear there is only one opinion that counts. It isn’t Celia’s and it isn’t Margaret’s.