And Toxic Femininity, Here We Come

Of course, it’s men that ruin online dating.

It had to happen. And now it has. Women are finally rising up against the pitfalls of dating app culture, and fighting back. Since March 2022, Are We Dating the Same Guy? Facebook groups have sprung up in almost every major American city, from New York to Little Rock, as a way for women to call out bad digital dating experiences.

What started as small-scale communities are now spreading internationally and have grown to include hundreds of thousands of members. “Boys, frickin’ buckle up,” one TikTok user said in July. “If you mistreat a girl, or are doing some sketchy stuff, the time is over, ‘cause you’re getting caught.”

This assumes that only men behave badly. Of course some men do, but so, too, do some women and online dating seems to be a hotbed of bad behaviour. If someone does behave in the manner that they are complaining about – i.e. assault, for example, well, that’s something that the police should be involved in. I suspect, however, that this is not the case.

Since joining some of these groups earlier this year, what I’ve seen, above all, is women trying to protect each other, including from sexual assault. In one east coast US city, a woman posted about a date with a man during which he pinned her down and choked her without consent. Other users gently walked her through her responsibility to report him to the dating app in order to protect other women. She did, and then posted a screenshot saying that he had been banned (a welcome decision, but one that doesn’t prevent him just joining another dating app and doing it again).

As I say, fairly straightforward. Get the police involved.

Are We Dating the Same Guy? appears to have been started by three women, none of whom have sought the limelight (and none have immediately responded to requests for comment). Their identifying details on social media are scant, lending an air of mystery to the open-secret quality of this enterprise. One must be approved to join, and agree to a lengthy list of ground rules, which includes not sharing any recognisable information about users or their posts in public.

This is what bothers me. A shady cabal that acts as judge jury and executioner that seeks to absolve itself from any responsibility for what happens as a consequence of, say, false allegations or libellous comment.

Are We Dating the Same Guy? groups are full of pushback against misogynistic attitudes, as well as practical advice from women about how to navigate today’s broken dating culture. They offer support for heartbreak after being ghosted, warnings about catfishers and men who have scammed them for money. Members give their takes on some of the plagues of modern dating, such as “situationships”, those relationships that exist in a limbo of non-commitment. “My advice is never settle for a situationship again,” one wrote. “Your heart will get hurt and it never ends well.”

Ah, the good old over used ‘misogyny’ again. Because, of course, ghosting, scamming and catfishing are male traits. Women never do this sort of thing. Oh, no, never.

The ostensible reason for the group, as suggested by its title – calling out men for cheating or dating multiple women at the same time – is only part of what goes on. But it is a big part. Women who have matched with men will post their pictures to get the inside scoop on what they are really like, beyond their profiles.

Is there any requirement for fidelity while playing the field? Is this only a male preserve? Or do women not do this? Frankly, what I am seeing here is toxic behaviour.

Are there downsides to all of this?

I would have thought the answer to that was pretty bloody obvious. The scope for abuse is galaxy sized.

A key issue is privacy – the men’s privacy – which the administrators of these groups seem to be battling to protect as best they can, frequently issuing reminders that users must be “extra extra strict” in enforcing rules about not saying anything “accusatory” that could lead to “possible defamation”.

Well, duh!

 The groups are also accused of operating within an increasingly lawless, internet sleuthing culture, where social media users on TikTok and other platforms publicly shame men for alleged transgressions, acting as judge and jury, sometimes with real life consequences.

So, women can be toxic, then.

The groups also have a decidedly heteronormative focus, with the majority of users being women mainly discussing cisgendered men (despite no indication that the groups exclude discussion of LGBTQ+ people or relationships).

The usual far left wokewibble. There’s no such thing as cisgendered men – just men and heteronormative is meaningless bullshit.

But they are also an example of women taking problematic systems into their own hands, to protect themselves from toxic behaviours that for decades have disproportionately impacted women. #MeToo’s promised reckoning has been subject to a predictable backlash. Moira Donegan, the journalist responsible for compiling what was dubbed the Shitty Media Men list in 2017, a viral Google spreadsheet listing alleged sexual harassers in the US media industry, is currently facing a libel lawsuit. Are We Dating the Same Guy? groups are the whisper network in step with the digital age.

A few defamation lawsuits is precisely what this toxic behaviour needs.

In one study of women who had used a dating platform in the past 15 years, more than a third said they have been sexually assaulted by someone they met on an app. In an ideal world, Are We Dating the Same Guy? wouldn’t have to exist, because dating apps would protect their users more. They would vet their users, provide background checks and age checks and proof about whether or not someone is married.

It is not the apps’ responsibility to do this. Due diligence on the part of the user applies here. Being sensible when meeting someone for the first few dates. Letting people know where you are and having an agreed call back or text to let them know everything is okay. Maybe not using an app. Maybe go back to the old method of meeting people although this seems to have gone now.

These Facebook groups have emerged and caught fire in reaction to the widespread, unchecked abuses rife in dating app culture – from cheating to rape. My only regret is that their members don’t turn the same passion they have for outing male misconduct on the dating app industry itself. Women have more power in this than perhaps they realise: they can refuse to use dating apps at all.

As could men. If this is an example of what lies in store, maybe that’s good advice.