Jeremy Vine was discussing the matter of couples and children the other day. In this instance, how things worked out for those who discovered that their decision and that of their partner may have changed and the effect that it had on the relationship. Fortunately, Mrs Longrider and I have never varied from our initial decision – we are childless by choice. We both knew this to be the case from early on in our relationship and nothing has altered in the intervening years. Indeed, watching siblings raise children simply reinforced our decision.
Early on there were one or two comments about “pattering of tiny feet” from more distant relatives. The close ones knew not to make such remarks. A short, negative response put a stop to such nonsense. And anyone who believed that we would change our minds must, after nearly twenty years, realise that they were wrong.
I knew when I was still a child myself that parenthood was not for me. I still feel that way at forty eight. I am indifferent to children, preferring the company of adults. I am not bothered by the oft used excuse that children will look after us in our old age – take a tour around some of the care homes to see that myth exploded. I have no qualms about being alone – I like being alone.
Although we are now more mainstream than when we married, there is still controversy – as witnessed during the discussion I listened to. We are perceived as being “selfish”. Indeed? And ask any parent why they chose procreation and listen carefully to the response. Childfree.net has.
In 1992, Rathus and Nevid (both psychologists) interviewed hundreds of couples on their reasons for having or not having children. They found couples with children had 9 common answers for their decision, and that couples without children had 13 common answers for their decision.
And the outcome of those responses?
In our opinion, it seems that all of the 9 reasons given for having children are selfish; they are all about what the parent will gain for themselves (love, bonding, etc.) While only 5 of the 13 reasons for not having children are selfish, the other 8 involve concerns for the world, the community, and the child that would be born.
Cultural pressures aside, when the church gets involved, it turns rather nasty. Back in 2000 we had the Bishop of Rochester sounding off:
The bishop told the BBC he was not making “dogmatic statements” on marriage but he repeated his views that couples had a duty to have a family.
Isn’t it strange that just before making a dogmatic statement people start by denying they are making a dogmatic statement? There is no such duty to have children. It is a matter of choice. A choice that is none of anyone else’s business; particularly not the bishop’s. Still, it didn’t stop the good bishop inferring that it was.
“If their intention is never, ever to have children, they will find that the pleasures of career and travel will cloy after a while,” he said.
It hasn’t cloyed yet…
The Bishop of Rochester wasn’t the only one to impose his bigoted, narrow minded, self-righteous condemnation of other peoples’ lifestyle choices on the world at large. In 2004 we had R Albert Mohler Jr giving us the benefit of his wisdom. He regards childfree couples as rebelling against God.
Christians must recognize that this rebellion against parenthood represents nothing less than an absolute revolt against God’s design. The Scripture points to barrenness as a great curse and children as a divine gift.
Oh, well, that’s a relief. I’m not a Christian, so it doesn’t apply.
The Scripture does not even envision married couples who choose not to have children.
This, presumably, because the scriptures hadn’t envisaged contraception… Mohler’s rant is nothing more than the outpouring of a narrow mind inhibited from broader thinking by the slavish devotion to the rambling scribblings of ancient nomadic desert dwellers. His choice; not mine. And that, surely it the nub of this discussion. We all make our choices and live by the consequences. If people like the Bishop of Rochester and Albert Mohler want to live by the imaginations of some long lost civilisation, they may do so. What they may not do, is impose that belief on those of us who choose differently.
If having children is your choice and provides your life with a sense of fulfilment, good. Just be aware that there are a growing number of people who feel differently; who do not see parenthood as a necessity, who seek fulfilment elsewhere and don’t go all gooey over the sight of a baby in a pram. Get used to the idea.
I also don’t have a desire for children and it’s amazing the sort of stinging retorts you can get when expressing such a view, it’s as if people suddenly view you as the Childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. One of my cousins has never wanted children, she has no maternal instincts whatsoever and although she gets on well with kids, she doesn’t really enjoy their company preferring as you’ve mentioned, adults. I don’t go and see my family en masse anymore but I can still remember the heated debates her views have caused. Vitriol is nearer the mark.
Honesty – good on you, and thats coming from a parent. Its your choice nad noone has the right to critise you for that.
As a parent Im probably one of those rarities – Im acutely aware of how my kids behave in public and that its a reflection on me as a father.
I didnt want to be a father really, but was faced with that or lose my wife (who loves kids). As in any relationship you have to make comprimises, and over time Ive come to learn to enjoy fatherhood – but it sure didnt come naturally. Theres days when they drive me so utterly mad that I cant even look at them. Theres days when I cant live without them. Got a reminder last week of what it was like to be childfree again when they were on hols with the grandparents, and I cant remember the last time I felt so relaxed.
Everyone that has / wants kids gets something different out of it, and like you mention – mostly for selfish reasons. Each to their own I say