How to Look After Cats

Is there nothing this godforsaken control freakish government won’t poke about in? Now they want to tell me how to look after my cats.

Cat and dog owners are to be told to provide “entertainment” and “mental stimulation” for their pets under new government advice.

The code of practice also includes advice on diet and providing “somewhere suitable to go to the toilet”.

And people wonder why I am a latter day Victor Meldrew… You would have thought that they had more pressing matters to concern themselves with. But, no, they want to poke about in our private lives once more. Look, it’s really simple; my pets are my business. They are my responsibility and I will manage that responsibility without any help, guidance or codes of practice from the government. That is because – and it’s an oft used phrase on this blog – it’s none of their fucking business.

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) said it wanted to remind pet owners of their responsibilities under the 2006 Animal Welfare Act.

I don’t need reminding. Responsible owners know how to look after their animals. Those who are not responsible are hardly likely to read a code of practice and think “well, I never knew that. I’ll change my ways as of this minute.”

The 26 page document on cat welfare begins with a warning to owners: “It is your responsibility to read the complete Code of Practice to fully understand your cat’s welfare needs and what the law requires you to do.”

I have no intention of reading any of it whatsoever – it is an insult to my intelligence, but then, this bloody government’s whole behaviour is an insult to my intelligence. Indeed, they are an insult to the intelligence of my ten cats – even the daftest one.

The document, which will be published as a leaflet and on Defra’s website after an eight week consultation period, says owners must provide their pets with a “suitable place to live” including “somewhere suitable to go to the toilet”. It also advises providing a separate litter tray for each cat.

Here, then, is a prime example of infantilising – we need to be told how many litter trays to provide. Mrs L and I share our home with ten cats and four tortoises. We have made sure that we understand their needs and provide them accordingly. The more intelligent cats are more than happy to clamber up onto a high space and test Newton’s theories on gravity, thus keeping their minds and bodies active. Regularly. We don’t use litter trays except when one is confined through sickness or injury to the house.

We are not in breach of any laws and we look after our animals. We do not need any “guidance” from Defra on the blindingly obvious and deeply resent the insinuation. And, frankly, it’s none of their damned business – oh, I said that already. Still, I can’t say it enough – the bastards still don’t seem to be listening.

Perhaps it is just as well that at the end of this month, Mrs L, the ten cats, four tortoises and I are leaving Blighty for more amenable pastures. The cats will love rural France as there is plenty to see and do, lots of places to explore and, unfortunately for them, a tribe of cats… Claws at dawn, methinks.