The British summer is a short affair and, frankly, doesn’t necessarily come every year. But never mind, for the few brief days when we get decent weather (and I don’t have to wear waterproofs on the bike) we get whiny downers from the perpetually annoying lining up to complain.
Like the cloying, clammy paw of a St Bernard on my chest, the summer sun has returned and you find me in despair. I hate everything about the heat – sweat, hot air, the rigmarole of fans, flies and, worse still, freckles, as a hydrogen ball 93m miles away uses my tired flesh as a pointillist sketch pad. The necessity of sun cream should alone be enough to discount the remedial joys of warm weather – a runny ooze designed by evil scientists intent on creating the most uncomfortable liquid one could possibly smear on one’s body. What bonus was granted to the Gestapo’s SonneKreme division when they contrived that mixing it with sweat would generate the eye-stinging sensation so seemingly beloved by everyone else on this godforsaken planet?
Jesus H Christ on a pogo stick! For most of the year we are treated to grey, wet, cold, cloudy misery. Winter is dark and dreary and for months, we barely see any decent sunlight. Then in a brief moment, when we can enjoy it, we have the usual suspects lining up to moan about it. How about you just fuck off to Greenland or somewhere equally to your liking Séamas, because given that the weather I enjoy is such an ephemeral thing, you pissing on it is unnecessary and unwelcome, you whiny miserablist.
Me? I was out on the Kwaka today enjoying the ride in the sunshine through the lanes of Somerset and Dorset.
What about the hot weather hotties? Everywhere you look there are women staying cool by walking around with next to nothing on. How can you not be happy about this? I think that we have to accept that we are all different. My daughter doesn’t like the hot weather, she loves it when it’s cold as she can deal with it by wrapping up and then thawing out by the fire.
I don’t like cold weather because no matter how much I wrap up, I just can’t get warm.
I thought #MeToo had outlawed appreciating the female form?
Bit tough on Bruce Springsteen.
FFS!!! What a whiny **** (insert four-letter insult of choice). He writes a parenting column and complains that his child attracts dirt. Well I’ve got a solution for him – get a doll instead. They don’t scream, cry, fall over, get dirty or do anything other than remain a perfect little trophy for him to parade his wokeness with. And he could still write his garbage-filled column because its all fiction anyway.
I’ve got three kids. I love them, I’m proud of what they have achieved and I love their ability to amaze and surprise me. They got covered in a variety of substances as they grew up and I never felt the need to write a moaning column in the Guardian saying its all the fault of a ball of hydrogen and the Gestapo!!! (Gotta get those Nazis in for maximum wokeness).
PS – eldest son (on apprentice wages) just bought a pair of tickets to a rock concert in February next year for a band we both love. As a birthday treat for me. As I said, “amaze and surprise me”.
Yeah, it’s the whiny nature of the complaining that irritates. It’s what the Guardianista do, though.
I don’t come to your site often, but enjoy it when I do and often read multiple posts in one go.
Today the Firefox assholes paused me and told me you were in some wise objectionable, but if I wanted to risk soiling by lily white hands I could continue. I did.
What have you done, you evil bugger? Do more of it please, much, much more.
If you ever make it to western Canada, drop me a line and we can ride a bike here: https://tinyurl.com/y6lfj7ot. Where I was today in a huge, gigantic, thunder shower with hail at 7 degrees c.
Okay, I downloaded Firefox and tried it. No problem. Don’t know what is going on there, then.
I thought it was a ‘British Value’ to complain about the weather.
That’s because it is usually dreadful.
The Guardian : only read by London twats. Never see it anywhere else !
Oh how I have been waiting to read something like this. If we ever disagree on something I will try and remember this because I couldn’t agree more if I tried….a googolplex of upvotes from me 🙂
Oh dear god I wish I hadn’t clicked on the link. I have a habit of going straight to the comments after skimming the article and came across this piece of wisdom,”…It’s terrible for the elderly and animals (look how many died a few years ago in France)…”
Does this idiot not understand how many people are killed by the cold each year? I cba to look the actual figures up but I do know that it far far outweighs the number that die of the heat.
Cold, heat, whatever; people on their last leg die a few weeks earlier, the death rate will drop a little in consequence when the weather returns to the normal grey drizzle.