Well, That Didn’t Take Long…

Hot on the heels of the climbdown over airside ID cards, Alan Johnson regales us with some bunkum about why we need ID cards and soon.

Our identity, the information that makes us unique, is something that we get called upon to prove each day…

No we fucking don’t you simpleton. I am rarely asked to identify myself and on the few occasions that it is necessary, it is because you – and those like you – have made it necessary with your obsessive and paranoid binge legislation.

It is this unique information that fraudsters and criminals want and this is why we guard it so carefully.

Indeed and part of that is not giving it to the government to put onto a leaky database. I know precisely who I am and if I think you might need to know, I might deign to tell you. I might also tell you to mind your own damned business, depending on the circumstances and who is asking.

Shredding machines, once only found in offices, are now found in many homes as people protect their personal information by destroying personal bank and billing information.

Indeed and they are far more useful than an identity card or putting all of our sensitive information on a government database.

The introduction of identity cards is a simple means of helping you, and I, protect our unique identity from fraudsters. Identity fraud costs the UK economy £1.2bn on average each year and causes misery for tens of thousands who fall victim.

Oh, for fuck’s fuckitty fucking fuck’s sake. The only fraud here is the figure your predecessors plucked out of their collective arseholes. Identity fraud does not cost £1.2bn or £1.7bn as is sometimes claimed by these lying charlatans. It actually costs around £27m.

At a cost of just £30, the identity card is a cheap way of helping fight back.

Bollocks.

So, despite the headlines that would have readers think otherwise, I’m not scrapping identity cards…

Well, yes. I realise that there was a note of caution (given that I never trust anything a politician or journalist says) in my comments a couple of days ago, but I didn’t expect an article shilling this snake oil quite so soon.

…I’m committed to delivering them more quickly to the people who will benefit most.

The government, of course. There is no one else that they will benefit and if you really, really think otherwise, you are incredibly naive. These people want this so that they can keep tabs on us, there is no other reason that stacks up. None.

I know that some of you have real concerns about the government’s motives for introducing the card.

Really? I wonder why? perhaps because government ministers are nothing more than a bunch of self-serving, lying control-freak jackanapes, possibly?

When I announced this week that I would make identity cards wholly voluntary it was because I believe that there are real benefits that will make the card an attractive proposition for many people.

Yes, this would be “voluntary” as in “compulsory” if you want to work (particularly with children or vulnerable adults), travel abroad, teach or drive. That sort of “voluntary”?

I think the case for identity cards has been made…

What the fucking fuckitty fuck? The case has been demolished every time some half-wit of a minister has tried to justify it for national security to a cuddly “prove who you are” device. There is no case, there never was a case, there never will be a case. The only case you make here is that New Labour is as deluded as it ever was.

…but understand that getting a card will be a big decision for some people.

No it isn’t – not even remotely. I will never, under any circumstances carry one of your disgusting little pieces of plastic – and, should you still be in power when I need to renew my passport, I’ll take out French citizenship to avoid going on the database. The French, quite rightly, rejected a similar scheme when their government tried it on.

Easy or hard, I think it should be a voluntary decision, one that people choose to take, because they agree and welcome the benefits an identity card will provide.

Yes, that’s “voluntary” as in “compulsory” again, isn’t it?

In particular, I’m pleased that the government will be looking at bringing forward proposals for pensioners aged 75 and over to receive an identity card free of charge.

Oh, wow! The generation that lived through a war when we fought against a “papers please” state will get their very own “Papiere, Bitte” for free. How wonderfully generous you arseholes are; how fucking patronising. How low can you people sink?

I also want to see young people with identity cards.

Of course you do, you nasty little shit.

They will not only act as a proof of age for the individual but also empower communities tackling underage drinking and crime by enabling local retailers, including pubs and supermarkets, to help ensure they aren’t selling restricted goods, such as knives and alcohol, to those who are underage.

Young people can buy a citizen card (as I pointed out the other day) without giving any information to the government, and it costs less and is accepted by all the relevant licensed victuallers. Works perfectly. They don’t need another one. Piss off!

And this is why I have taken the decision to speed up the rollout of identity cards by announcing that alongside people in Manchester, residents in the wider north-west will also be able to apply for a card in the new year.

Well, I can only hope that the residents of the North West give you a collective two-fingered salute.

People believe in protecting what they have and what they have worked hard to achieve – a good name and a good credit rating. Being able to protect your identity from fraudsters who would use and abuse it is something we all want and I think identity cards can achieve this.

If you think that, then you have fallen for your own propaganda. The safest place for our sensitive information is as far away from government as possible – preferably in different places.

Jesus, what a fucktard.

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Update: The comments are a hoot.