Yawn

More bollocks.

Are some non-alcoholic drinks addictive? You’ll know if you have a friend who has tried to stop drinking Coke – each 330ml can contains the equivalent of seven teaspoons of sugar – that it’s certainly very difficult. Diet Coke is just as hard to dump. It can take months to get it out of your daily routine.

Energy drinks factor in another addictive component: caffeine. It’s hardly surprising they’ve become so popular – we live in a busy society where everyone wants to achieve, hit targets, get to school on time, and fit in with their friends, whatever it takes.

Drinking a lot of caffeinated drinks doesn’t make you an addict. I drank coffee regularly. I particularly liked it the French way – strong and smooth. However, when I realised that it was aggravating my prostate problem, I stopped. That would be about nine years ago. I’ve not touched one since. I went cold turkey without any effort whatsoever. From several cups a day to none. No shakes, no withdrawal symptoms, nothing. Interestingly, my migraines stopped at the same time, so a bonus.

The stomach-churning combination of a high level of caffeine and a dumper-load of sugar in one handy can gives me (standing nearly 6ft tall) the shakes, so what’s the effect on a 10-year-old?

I’ve tried energy drinks and they had no such effect. They are a diuretic, which is inconvenient, but otherwise, no noticeable effect. I can only assume that Street-Porter has a delicate constitution. Or she is exaggerating for effect.

Up and down the UK, small grocery stores sell gallons of this stuff to kids every weekday afternoon when they leave school. Some poor sods actually drink it for breakfast instead of consuming real fruit and then head off to the challenges of the playground.

Gallons, I tell you, Gallons! Here we get to the crux of the matter. You know, the usual one “the state must ban it.” No, the state must not. This is a parental responsibility, not the state’s. But the usual suspects, having latched onto a new bogeyman are now gearing up for full crusade mode. Another ban. You know, bansturbation has all the hallmarks of addictive behaviour.

Banning their sale to people under 18 is a small step, but it will not change an awful lot and it would be hard to enforce. I would take a different approach: these drinks should be treated like alcoholic beverages and taxed accordingly, because their consumption is placing a huge burden on the NHS.

Ah, yes, the alternative. Tax it because “burden on the NHS” bullshit. Fuck off already. One of the downsides of socialised medicine that is free at point of use, is that it is abused by every health crusading nutter with an axe to grind as a “cost” that needs to be reduced and is therefore a good excuse to regulate other people’s behaviour. Go fuck yourself where it hurts most.

Why pick on teens? Adults should be targeted too. I would ban soft drinks dispensers in spas, sports clubs, schools, petrol stations, motorway service areas and hospitals. Energy drinks should be rationed (like codeine and certain painkillers) at supermarkets – no more than two per customer over 18, on production of ID. Once the price has increased, they will be less appealing to the young anyway.

Just in case you weren’t aware that Street-Porter was a full on, card paying member of the foaming-at-the-mouth authoritarian party, here is the evidence. We, as adults, should be regulated according to her whim because we are too stupid to make our own decisions and she knows best. Again, fuck off already.

Maybe we should take the radical step of imposing a curfew in certain urban areas – because there’s no doubt in my mind that a spike in violence is partly linked to the popularity of these stimulating drinks.

See what I mean? Police state anyone? All for our own good, of course. And there’s no doubt in her tiny mind, so that’s all okay then. All the evidence we need.